Falling In Love With A Player, Why I Can't Resist His Appeal

Written by an anonymous female | Guest Post 

If you think he is a guy you … spend weekends with; go on holidays with; introduce to your friends and family; go to the restaurants, cinemas, etc.; spend Christmas with; get a "Happy Birthday" message from; show on social media; get flowers and chocolates from; 

... then you're mistaken. 

He is a guy who most likely will not give you any of the above. However, he is a guy you would do anything to get his attention. 

I matched with him on a dating app, and we arranged to meet two days later without texting much. On the date day, I was the one who messaged him first to ask if we are still on for the evening. 

In the past, I was told that the guy is the one who should do that. He needs to be interested in you. However, I did not want to go without knowing that he would be there as I heard all kinds of stories from my friends. 

For the record, I'm 25, and he is only the second guy I ever went on a date with. I know it's hard to believe, but it's the truth. 

We met for a drink and had an interesting conversation about a variety of topics. Everything was going well. 

After about 2 hours, he walked me to the station and kissed me in a friendly gesture on both cheeks as we said goodbye. That was it. 

I did what I felt was right. He didn't text me after the date. So after a few days, I decided to message him. That is something that I was told not to do. The guy needs to take the initiative and show that he is interested in you. Regardless, I did what I felt was right and not what friends told me. 

I messaged him a few times to ask how he was doing, etc., until one Sunday afternoon, he invited me to meet at his place. 

Again, if I had listened to all the advice given by my friends, I would not have accepted the invitation. I knew what the idea of me going to his place was. However, it was that time of the month for me, so I knew I would not go that far, even if I wanted to. 

We spent a few hours talking that night, and of course, he went for it, but I had to say no even though I wanted it. As I mentioned before, he would have been only the second guy in my life. I saw the other guy for months until we had sex, and that was because I did not feel ready. It was not the case with him. 

We had sex on the third date. He was never the one to message me first or to ask me to meet up again. I was the one taking the initiative. 

Again, my friends and books I read in the past were telling me the opposite. The guy is the one who needs to demonstrate that he is interested in you, so the girl should not message him first and always wait until replying to his messages pretending that you are way too busy; otherwise, he is not worth wasting time.

I was not doing that. 

I decided to do what feels right to me. Otherwise, I knew he would have moved on to the next girl. 

I do not talk about him to my friends. They know that there is someone, but we never go into details, and that is because it is not the kind of relationship people around me have. 

For instance, if before the lockdown, I told the girls at work that I would see him that night, the next day, they would ask where we went, what we did, and why we did not spend the whole night together. 

That is how they see it, and everything else is just not right. I used to get the same advice from my male co-workers too. 

By now, we can agree that if I had followed their advice, I would have never had the chance to get to know him. 

I wanted to be with him from day one. For me, it was serious from day one. However, I also pretty quickly noticed that he might not be exclusive to me. 

I didn't feel like discussing this topic too early with him, as I was unsure if I was ready to hear the truth. In the end, I didn't want to risk losing him. 

We saw each other every two to three weeks, and I enjoyed the few hours we spent together. If I messaged him in the morning or the afternoon, he would reply to me only late in the evening or the next day. He never chased me but always gave me his full attention when I was there with him. 

After a few months, he started to introduce me to his lifestyle slowly. Especially when I started talking about reassurance and the fact that I would like to see him more often. We talked for hours, and he recommended a few books. I read them, and we discussed them all. 

Those conversations were another way to connect and get to know him. In general, most of our conversations are the type of conversations I do not have with anyone else, and it is one of the reasons I do enjoy our time together. 

You are probably asking, what did you talk about for so long? It is simple. We talked about relationships and what is essential for them to work. We talked about ourselves and what kind of relationship we both want to have. 

We both agreed that honesty is fundamental to any successful relationship. It doesn't mean you can't have any secrets, so you don't have to share everything. But if you say something, then it has to be the truth. 

He is honest to me, even if the truth might put our relationship at risk. 

Over the next few weeks, he outlined what is important to him and how I can secure his commitment. The biggest challenge was to accept the type of commitment he was willing to give. 

His commitment meant that I could spend more time with him, but it didn't mean that I would be the only girl he would see. 

However, if I want any commitment from his side, he expected me to give him full commitment from my side. 

That was not an issue for me as he was the only guy I saw and the only guy I wanted to see. At first, it felt unfair, but I haven't had many viable options. I could have ended it then and there, but I wanted to continue seeing him. 

He offered me something more serious without giving me his full commitment, which I accepted as the best option. I knew that being just a booty call would not be an option for me. 

I can be myself with him. 

One of the reasons I wanted to give this relationship a chance is the fact that I can be myself with him. There is no need for me to act like someone I am not. 

For instance, when we met for the first time, I wanted to tell him that there was only one other guy before him, and it was a very short interaction that did not teach me much about relationships or any other things. 

I messaged him after two dates to say that I want to be honest about something but wanted to do it in person. He called me, but I did not pick up as I was busy at that moment, and also, I was not ready to say something that personal on the phone. 

When we met the next time, he did ask me straight away what it was, but I waited till the end of the night to say it. He was very understanding, and even though it took some time, he made me feel proud of it. 

Since then, I always tell him everything the way it is. I do not need to hide or fake my feelings, thoughts, or emotions. I can share everything, even if it sometimes sounds silly and makes me look naive. 

In my opinion, it is an essential component of any relationship. Without trust, you can not go far. And really, what is the point of pretending to be someone you are not. Sooner or later, you would get tired of it, and that is when the other person would question you and your behavior. 

Is it easy to be in this type of relationship? Not always. 

Every relationship has its pros and cons. If you care for the person and have feelings, it is evident that you want to keep that relationship going. 

I know that I might be just a number for him, but there is no guarantee that I would feel more secure or happier in a "typical" relationship, and that is not the way I see it. For me, it is a relationship, and it does not matter how someone else would define it. 

However, there are times when I do question my worth. We still see each other once every few weeks, and even though it is not enough for me, there is nothing I can do about it. If I ask for more, I might lose even that. 

Probably there is someone he sees way more often; I will not know that, but I think about it and even question why it is not me he would like to see more often or is that how my value is defined, by the amount of the time he spends with me? 

It is scary but exciting at the same time. 

I do not know how he feels about me. Some days I feel like I am that girl, and some days I do not. It is a roller coaster, but that is the whole point. Not knowing entirely and always questioning. It is scary but exciting at the same time. I can only be sure about my feelings. 

In a "typical" relationship, I would most likely feel insecure and wonder if anyone else is in his life. So being in this more honest relationship, at least, I do not need to worry about that because I know he is not exclusive to me. I only worry about the idea of not being in his life at all. 

However, this knowledge of him not being exclusive to me makes me bring the best of myself and not become a toxic girl. What is more, I know that someone might replace me eventually, but that risk is part of any relationship. 

You may wonder, so why do I want to be in this man's life? 

Am I unable to find a guy who could give me all of the bullet points mentioned above? I could, and I had many opportunities in the past. 

However, I declined them all before even meeting. The reason for that is that I always knew what kind of man I want in my life. 

I had that picture in my head since I was a little girl, and it never changed. I decided not to settle for less, even if it means that I might stay alone all my life. 

Guys asked me out who you could argue were better looking, more successful, wealthier, etc., but I said no to all of them. 

I was never a party girl. 

I came to London 6 years ago to study. I have been working part-time while studying. However, I still managed to find time to go out, but I was never a party girl. 

I went to the clubs a few times with my friends but always left early because I did not like the nightlife environment. I never wanted to be just a one-night stand. 

I also used to party back in school, but I have not even kissed a single guy just because it was not how I saw a party. 

Also, in my work environment, I was surrounded by boys – clients or co-workers. But again, I never had the idea of going out on a date with one of them. 

You may think that I am just an inexperienced girl here, but I know how the world works even though I do not have much experience. I am surrounded by people who talk and share things about their personal lives. Also, I am not a girl who is hiding at home. 

I always wanted to meet a guy who is handsome and looks after himself. A guy who is successful and is on his own feet, independent and smart. 

The type of guy with whom you would like to talk for hours but do exciting things behind closed doors too. A guy who can push back and say no to you. A guy you have to fight for because you are aware of his options. 

I read a series of books like "50 Shades of Grey" or "The Sookie Stackhouse" novels in my teens. Both of these are not meant to be read by kids. Well, my parents did not mind buying these books for me. 

The thing is that many women around the world go crazy for these kinds of books and movies because they create a fantasy world they do not get to experience in real life. 

I was one of them, but only because I had no sex for a very long time. 

Now I do not need those types of books or movies in my life because I live it. With him, I share a certain type of intimacy I could only dream about before. 

I do not need to think about any other guy as there is only one in my head. Even when I am not with him, I still think of him and the sex we had, over and over again. 

I did not feel that way with the first guy. 

Also, I am the kind of person who needs to feel it first before going for it. I know it might sound silly, but it's the case with everything in my life. 

For example, when I go shopping and randomly see an item, I must want it right away. If I start questioning or wondering about better choices, then I know that it is not for me. 

The same goes for men. I need to feel the attraction straight away, which does not happen often. 

I used to meet many good-looking guys at work, but I never felt like I wanted to know them closer. I understand that it might be different for most girls, especially in a big city like London. 

There is something about him. 

If you are familiar with the TV show "Friends" in one episode called "The One With The List," Ross had to make a list of Rachel and Julie's flaws to decide who to stay with. Rachel had quite a few flaws. 

However, when his friend asked what about Julie, all Ross could say was: "She is not Rachel." 

This example shows that it does not matter if the person is perfect, and maybe there is someone you know you could have a monogamous, stable relationship with, but in the end, you still go for the one who feels right, not necessary is right. 

There might be no clear explanation of why I want to be in this man's life, knowing the things I know and accepting them, but there is no guarantee that I would be happier in any other relationship. 

I would probably receive much more attention from a different guy who I clearly know is interested in me, and maybe he could give me that security. 

However, it does not mean that it would make me happier. 

I also know that many people would disagree with me. Many friends tried to convince me to go on a date with a "normal" guy, but they do not understand that for me to go on a date is a lot already. Why would I spend time with someone I have no interest in at all. 

As I said before, there needs to be that lightning. In one TV show, a guy asked a girl, "What do you want in life?" she said she doesn't know, and the guy replied, "Sure you do. You want what everybody wants. You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure, and even a little danger". 

It sounds silly, but that is close to what I feel when I am with him. 

I do not see him as often as I would like to, but I have the best time every time I see him. 

Usually, we meet at his place and spend a few hours together. Sometimes we would go somewhere else, but that is an exception. 

Am I wasting my time? 

I understand that some people would say that I am just wasting my best years on a guy who does not deserve it. But that is not true. I know that there might be no long-term future with him, even though I hope so. We all think about the future; that is how our brain works. 

The truth is, none of us knows what that future brings. You might be in a proper long-term relationship and plan a future together and one day find out that the person met someone else or is not interested in you anymore. And what is then? 

In life, there are no guarantees. You can not even be sure about your feelings and that they will not change. 

Is there something special about me? Even though he never talks about it, I assume that he meets other girls while I'm not seeing anyone else. 

Sometimes I question my self-worth. But then I come back to the thought that even though he might have other girls, he still spends time with me. He never canceled a date with me. So I guess there is something about me. Otherwise, he would not invest his time in seeing and talking to me. 

Moreover, I have a choice to stay in this relationship or walk away. Nobody is forcing me, and I'm free to go anytime. But I do not want it. 

However, at the same time, I know I could find someone else quickly, which speaks to my value. But it does not mean I would feel better. Maybe it would be the opposite. 

He is different. 

I like the way we spend time together, it is different, but I enjoy it every time. You could argue that every time I enjoy it even more and more. 

We are both open and honest with each other. I am unsure if I would feel confident with any other guy to discuss anything and everything I do with him. 

I have many questions about the way he lives or relationships in general, and he always takes the time to discuss them with me. 

If I would be in a different relationship, maybe our conversations would be more about day-to-day life, which would most likely get boring and monotone with time. 

With him, on the other hand, I feel that every time it gets even more exciting because I know that I will likely learn something new. 

Even when I ask those questions or demonstrate my insecurities and doubts, I do not need to feel stupid. It is perfectly fine that I get those questions because it shows that I care, and he takes time to give me a call and answer all those questions, which shows that he cares too. 

I live in a movie. 

When I am with him, I feel like it is only us, and it does not matter if there was another girl there before. In that moment, I feel like I'm that one girl. 

I do not mind the idea of being one of many anymore. I am more afraid not to be there at all. I want to be in his life, and that is what matters. 

I do not need to get obsessive thoughts about him cheating on me etc., because I already know that he does what he does. 

Even if there is anyone, it should not affect the way our relationship is. As he told me one day: "It does not matter if you are the only one or one of a hundred, all that matters is that moment we spend with each other and how it makes us feel." 

Maybe I am one lucky girl, as I have an opportunity to experience a passionate and honest relationship, something I used to see in the movies, and now I am living it. 

I was always curious to understand why my friends were in a relationship with that particular guy. Some of them were very good-looking, but when they had looks, then usually something else was missing. 

My mum used to say to me, "Oh, but maybe he is very nice to her." 

Well, that was never good enough for me. I wanted the whole package, and I was happy to wait for a long time to get it. 

I finally did.